People don’t understand me, sometimes I don’t even really understand myself.

When I try and think of things I like about myself, I never can. I feel like my life has no real meaning or direction. Most of the time I struggle with being alone, but everytime I have the chance to connect with someone I shut myself down and push them away. I desperately want someone in my life, but I dont give myself the opportunity and I dont really know why. I have friends but I dont have any friends I feel I can open up to. I think that if I reveal myself or try to talk to them about how I really feel inside that they will be freaked out. I crave a relationship but don’t pursue one, I am naturally shy but I don’t think that is why. I close myself off so that I don’t get hurt or rejected. I dont like this about myself but don’t know how to stop :-\